The Australian federal election is this Saturday and while we could talk about all the hot topics in this election, we’re not really that kind of publication.
We prefer to keep things light-hearted and not sweat the small stuff like the housing bubble, wage stagnation, the climate change emergency, the problematic two-party system, the refugees currently imprisoned in detention facilities on Nauru and how Tim Tams will eventually become a more valuable export than coal.
A friend of mine once said that Australian politics is filled to the brim with boredom punctuated with spectacularly dull times and the occasional ‘excuse me did he just eat a whole f***ing raw onion’ sort of moments, as we slowly slide into the abyss.
In any case, here’s a list of things that are totally going to happen during the 2019 Australian federal election:
- One too many of the local Unimelb students write ‘useless bastards’ on their ballot and Clive Palmer’s party comes to power
- The Prime Minister will be decided by a marathon race
- There will probably be another leadership spill and we’ll have to learn the name of another shiny new Prime Minister, the seventh to hold the “coveted” position over the past 10 (or so) years
- More back-stabbing than Game of Thrones
- Pauline Hanson and Fraser Anning say something racist (at the same time)
- Another right-wing politician gets egged by a white dude (and the white dude gets hailed as a national hero)
- Friendly Jordies is given enough material to support him for the rest of his life
- The inevitable climate collapse leads to a dystopian Australia, which is exactly like the 1979 Mad Max movie
As you can see, Australian politics is a mess but don’t despair, at least we’ll get to watch and wait with bated breath to see which party gets to be the punching bag of the public and media for the next three years.
And please remember to vote!!!
Nitul Deshpande is a Unimelb Adventures contributor. He is currently pursuing his Masters of Applied Economics at the University of Melbourne. You can follow him on Instagram @nituldeshpande