Thursday week 2 of first semester – University of Melbourne students have now been lining up for 13 days outside the new Grattan Street Co-op, Unimelb Adventures reports.
Although there is no official release date for 2018 subject readers, rumours suggest that they are due to slip into the loading bay by the Easter break. However, the Co-op line has been steadily growing since last week. Security guards have been seen ushering the girthy queue off the footpath and into the Grattan Street gutter, citing ongoing safety concerns for pedestrians.
Second-year English Literature student, Chloe Simons, has been camping at the Co-op since Monday afternoon last week.
“It’s a good experience now that Grattan has been blocked off for the metro project. Last year a car hit my finger on Swanston,” Simons says, showing Unimelb Adventures her kinky pinky.
“Co-op camping culture is, like, totally a thing. It’s like Coachella in my 10-person tent. My friends, we like to camp in groups so we don’t miss out on those week 1 icebreakers. It’s all totally worth the effort – how else can I get my $75’s worth of poorly-photocopied Chaucer?”
However, a menacing shadow looms over the Co-op after the death of student Damien Lowe in the 2017 campout. Lowe, a first-year Arts student, suffered an explosion of the bladder after solo camping for 30 consecutive days. As covered by Unimelb Adventures last year, Lowe had been rigorously training his body throughout VCE to withstand the marathon wait for his University subject readers. Lowe claimed to have stretched his bladder to the point where he only needed to urinate once every four weeks.
Lowe’s friends and family have since campaigned for port-a-potties to be installed outside Co-op sites during semester. However, Chancellery has not admitted any accountability or sympathy for Lowe’s demise, instead claiming that they are supporting students by plugging the GoFundMe campaign of a Unimelb alumni creating life-like robots for students to remotely line up each semester.
Some veteran students, like Kate Liu, are no longer satisfied with just camping, and are now going to even more impressive lengths to get ahead of their classmates and secure their subject readers. Kate has also waitlisted her readers online and is constantly refreshing her iPad to check their availability.
“I’m not nervous or anything. As long as I have my readers by SWOTVAC, surely I won’t be too far behind,” Kate says. “And I can even order Ubereats to my spot in the queue. I don’t know what everyone is complaining about.”
The Co-op has declined to comment or supply Unimelb Adventures with an arrival date of the readers.
Use the code UNIMELBADVENTURES for a 5% off coupon on your University of Melbourne branded merchandise. Get yourself some funky threads and make sure that the Co-op’s identity verification software doesn’t issue you a low-grade electric shock when you enter the store without your student card.
About the Author
Amie Green is an artist and writer who is studying her Masters in Creative Writing, Editing and Publishing. She likes to make all sorts of wormy, experimental and multi-media content; find more of her on Instagram @amiesgreenart
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.